Israel v Palestine: The Showdown

Today Israel declared yet another gladiatorial showdown with Palestine in the Never Ending Saga.

"We were here first!" was the war cry from both teams as they prepared for the face-off.

Ehud "Wolfie" OLMERT insisted "The team are pumped up and ready for this show. Man-for-man we reckon it's in the bag."

Mahmoud "Thunder" Abbas sees it differently, "Our boys are used to this arena, so we reckon that territorial advantage will be ours."

So the call has gone out to both from "Banger" Bush, the experienced referee, " Gladiators, are you ready?"

The Rezillos - Edinburgh Gig

Well the Rezillos are just as brilliant as ever. At the re-arranged venue of The Picture House, the turnout was good to see a band who can still piledrive at 150mph for about 1 hour 45.



They played a complete set of all the favourites plus some new works, including their new single "No 1 Boy" (see previous blog).



They also did a brilliant rendition of River Deep, Mountain High by Ike & Tina Turner.



But it was the sheer energy of the band which was incredible. They ramrodded their way through the set at a thunderous pace which would put many contemporaries to shame.



Here's hoping they'll be back next year so if you get the chance then they are definately worth seeing.

Bank of England: Deaf, Dumb or Blind?

The deputy governor of the Bank of England admitted that they didn't understand the severity of the problems in the run-up to the current financial crisis.

"George was playing on the tarzan swing and I was throwing sticks when an attendant informed us of the crisis."

A spokesman for the government indicated that they thought the Court of Directors had been headhunted for their financial acumen but it seems they can't even count bananas.

"I think we hired a bunch of monkeys" said a source.

Doctors Are All Mad

The Government have just announced that all general practioners are mad and will be required to enrole in a new brain regeneration programme to stimulate the cells into reactivation.

"It's incredible that we've never noticed this until now" said a government representative, " though to be fair, the fact that they chose the medical profession should have been an early indicator."

The Royal College of GPs indicated they would like to see emphasis placed on the memory of doctors.

"Some of them can't remember their own name, never mind diagnosing members of the public."

Quick to Accuse Tories of Dirty Tricks

The Conservatives rebuffed accusations by police chief, Bubba Quick, of dirty tricks.

"Our act may be a bit risque but it is definately not dirty and the tricks we perform are well rehearsed." said a spokesperson, adding, "Bubba needs to be more open-minded about the illusions we create."

In response, Bubba Quick said, "I had to remove my family from the show because it was just inappropriate. The media should promote these events with more responsibility."

It is thought that David Cameron has applied to join the Magic Circle.

Intelligence Chief for Herding Sheep

Retired Admiral, Dennis C Blair looks likely to be chosen as Barak Obama's herder to tackle 16 of the most fractious sheep roaming around the USA.

A particularly difficult position to fill, Dennis possesses many of the qualities required to guide these sheep into acting more cohesively rather than the rambling, disorientated bunch that they currently are.

"These sheep live in their own little world, completely unaware that there are other sheep trying to achieve the same objectives as themselves." said a representative, "Maybe Dennis can get more productivity out of them. A cardigan isn't much to show for all the support they get from us. If they don't improve, they might be hung up to dry."

Obama Revealed

There have been a lot of rumours in the run-up to the Presidential inauguration that Barak Obama could be the real deal.

Well this exclusive photo captured Obama in out-of-hours duty unbeknown to locals. The shot may be blurry but it looks like Obama could be the superman we're hoping for.

"Up, up and away!" was heard echoing through the street.

Bush Is Pants Says Journo

President Bush was again targeted by a journalist, who threw his knickers shouting "You are pants Bush!" as he was overcome by bodyguards.

A local informed us that the President and his ontourage had misinterpreted the incident as throwing pants in ones face is a sign of admiration.

"Our country is a better place thanks to Bush." the local said, "Now that we live day-to-day, each morning we can be thankful that we are still alive."

Bush played down the incident.

"The pants were of the highest quality and rather fetching. They'd fit me."

The journalist was taken to a darkened room and measured for new knickers.

Bonkers Brothers Buy Barmy Island

This week the Bonkers Brothers bought the island of Silly to start up a new community after the failure of their previous attempt.

"Some people have suggested that we are just mad, feudal barons, living in the dark ages with pots of money and they'd be right. Democracy is an overstated form of self-expression, which can be too complicated for the locals and lead to all sorts of problems such as having an opinion."

As reporters were offered cups of tea in the grounds of the Wonderland Estate, the brothers argued amongst themselves as to who was the maddest.

Blagojevich Will Fight Thing All The Way

Governor Blagojevich instisted he would fight the Thing all the way.

"I don't care what anyone thinks. This Thing is ugly and I'm going to put a stop to it."

In response, The Thing defended his actions, stating that Illinois had never been in better shape for the slime he had left in his trail. "The streets are cleaner now thanks to me but Blagojevich seems to think he can just muscle in here, waving his money around and not expect any opposition. He can't buy power in this state."

A local resident who witnessed their first confrontation said, "Blagojevich looked in a mean mood and was really pumped up. At one point it looked like this Thing was going to destroy his reputation but he's a fighter and he just grabbed it by the balls and gave it a good shakedown."

The Things agent announced that a rematch had been penned in for a week on Sunday after church services to give the locals time to get changed for the event.

Tickets are still available.

Cameron Hits Out at Greedy Colleagues

David Cameron hit out at colleagues in his Shadow Cabinet for being too greedy and running amock in supermarkets.

"Our Cabinet meetings are turning into a feeding frenzy in an attempt to wean them away from the dellies."

Mr Cameron suggested some of them need to be more battle-hardened in the run-up to the expected election next year and highlighted Ian Duncan Smith as a prime example of a sturdy warrior who was ready for the call.

"Duncan 'Darkmoon' Smith has been assigned to whip them into shape, otherwise they will turn our party into a laughing stock"

Broonie Leads in Can-Do Competition

PM Gordon Brown told reporters that a new Can-Do Competition was now open to all British residents during the forethcoming months and encouraged the Opposition to support this new initiative.

The PM stated, "I would like to take this opportunity to show how I've been honing my skills for this Can-Do Competition by standing on one leg on a moving skateboard with a parot on my shoulder while balancing a plate on a rod.

It goes to show you that anyone can achieve great things if they put in some effort and practise regularly. I have asked my Cabinet to show similar leadership qualities. Britain Can Do It!"

The Government hopes to franchise this competition to other countries in 2009 in an attempt to reduce their deficits.

How Big a Flop for Madonna?

It was reported that Madonna's new single was a flop but actually since she was now single she was wearing a floppy hat as an analogy to her recent marriage.

Captured on camera in disguise at her local boozer, Madge looked the worse for wear slugging back another bottle as she drowned her sorrows.

"It's only my second." she insisted, though no-one knew if she meant drink or hubbies.

Asked why it had been such a big flop, she replied it was the only one she could find at the time but she'd persevered, balancing work and family duties but eventually had to cut holes to see because there were too many obstacles to overcome.

She admitted that with hindsight it may have been the wrong choice, but there had been some benefits. "It has protected me from the rain but maybe it's time to face the real world."

Everyone in the room started to cry.

David Beckham and Zac Efron get Huggy at LA Lakers game

Zzzz List celebs Becks and Effie were amongst the stars to arrange a spontaneous group hug at the Lakers game. Armed with product placements, they back-slapped and smiled for the cameras while the locals scrambled for freebies.

"It's like soul mates meeting at a Mowtown gig." said Effie.

Strategically seated next to the press box, the stars swapped Pokemon cards before performing an impromptu salsa for the gaping crowd.

"They look great together" said one member of the public, "Strictly Come Dancing are missing a class act."

The game itself was held up for ten minutes as they performed an encore of "My Old Man's a Dustman".

Becks added, "Have I mentioned my new Smelly Scent in the last five minutes?"

Fiona Phillip's Farewell Floods Studio

In her farewell appearance on GMTV, Fiona Phillips managed to flood the studio. "We're basically watching our advertising revenue float down the Swanee." one boss was heard to say as the presenter howled uncontrollably throughout the whole programme.

In an emotionally charged studio, the cleaners happened to be on hand to mop up the debris but the aftershow party catering, including 50% OFF Woolies pick'n'mix and some Buckie, was unfortunately lost as it floated out into the street to be grabbed by lingering fans.

"She's been such a stalwart" said one fan, " but she does look washed out. I'm just glad the flood plains around here weren't used for the new housing scheme."

Luckily a canoe was at hand to help take her home where she is recuperating.

Wash Your Mouth Says Kate

It was reported that Kate Winslet suggested Jonathan Ross was out of the question, but further investigations revealed that the media got it wrong (again) and that she had said "Floss was out of the question." when duscussing Jonathan's molars.

"He's got a bad mouth" she is thought to have said, " but I don't think floss is the answer, in fact floss is out of the question."

The alternative of his mouth getting a good scrub with Vim was offered by Kate. "In my day, my mum would scrub my mouth with any disinfective to eradicate such bad mouth disease" she said, adding " He's no Slumdog Millionaire but if he was the Reader of good hygiene books he would know that a bad set of molars was not funny."

Jonathan admitted he had made a mint in recent years and was using it to improve his teeth. "Kate's advice was like a breath of fresh air." he said.

Donkeys For Energy Bosses

Energy Companies have been told to start reducing prices since the basic costs have been falling, but the cartel - er sorry - the industry, insists that the cost of donkeys to carry the gas canisters over the rough mountaineous terrain hasn't come down.

CEO of British Gazump told us, "These donkeys in East Europe really are taking us for a ride. Everytime we send over donkeys from the sanctuary, they tell us they're the wrong type and that the best ones can be found in Uzbekistan. When we asked what the difference was, they told us the Uzis had thicker skin."

The Home Office stated that they weren't impressed with all the excuses. A spokesperson said, "There are donkeys all over the world which we've had to deal with, but there are plenty asses out there which are a viable alternative. The energy companies are immoveable on this issue so maybe we need to start using the carrot and stick method."

Harman Spreads Her Work

It was revealed that Hariet Harman is currently holding down six jobs but she didn't want to reveal the seventh of those deadly sins....until now.

Because we can reveal that Harriet has also been working on the next WI calander for 2009. Wow! All these jobs have certainly had a positive effect. Shuffling through the corridors of power really can improve the mind and body.

When asked about her WI role, she suggested that "Women should proudly expose all their faculties to those doubting thomases we frequently come across in business and politics. Too often we [successful women] are lambasted as shallow, two-dimensional objects who project the use of our bodies as a means to attain success and are weaned on cosmetics as a solution to our problems. I wanted to show that women do come packaged with a brain."

Six months at the gym helped.

Madoff Might Be The Swindler

It has been suggested that Madoff may be offered the role of the Swindler in the next Scamman movie to help fund a possible new autobiography titled "I was a Finance Frankenstein".

It is thought the plot will revolve around Scamman's attempts to stop the Swindler building a Pyramid in Wall Street which sucks the intelligence from senior financial staff into the brains of glossy mag models.

A host of B List movie stars are lined up to play "The Nobodies", faceless creatures who invest in the Swindler's plan.

Director, Justa Stunt, explained that the movie intended to reflect the social paradigm that the educated really can be as stupid as the rest of us.

Who Do You Think You Are Gordon?

A source within the beeb revealed that the next series of "Who Do You Think You Are?" had uncovered a photograph of Gordon Brown's great uncle Harry Broundini, who gained a reputation for escaping from many a tight fix.

Harry managed to perfect the ultimate escape act, "The Bankers Vault" where he would escape from chains within a perspex vault, falling onto a large amount of money placed on the floor. Unfortunately, one night, he misjudged how much money was in the vault, having spent a large sum propping up other business ventures, and suffered multiple damages.

Though he never continued the art of escapism, he became an ambassador of escapology offering his wisdom and knowledge to those of high status and power throughout the world.

One Man's Meat...

Yabadabadoo!

Recessions can be a terrible thing. Confidence is lost, the future looks bleak and life is unpredictable.

But not for me, hooray!!

I may have landed in the shit, but I've come out smelling of roses and all those initial months of disasterous pr gaffes are long forgotten.

Although we've given lots of your money away to the banks as a reward for their incompetence, 60 years from now we'll be reaping the benefits as our shares hit the roof. I know that we might also have to raise taxes because we do have to ensure that our house remains in order, just like you do (if you still have one), but in our new 5-year plan we aim to have 9 out of 10 families hunting for their own food.

We know that OPEC are going to reduce the production of oil because the billions they are making isn't enough but we reckon we've got an ace in the hole. We're going to abolish ALL vehicles and invest in new state-of-the-art pedal cars as part of a healthier lifestyle.

Since the building and construction market has been near decimated, we're going to promote cave dwelling and all those who were employed in this industry will be retrained as hunters and gatherers (a certificate guaranteed on completion of the training course).

This will all be part of the "Back to the Future" campaign and we think it is a winner.
All the bestGordon B

Tory Slush Fund

Can you spare a few quid guv?

Our popularity seems to be dipping in the polls since our finance chummies screwed the whole thing up and handed Superbroonie the chance to show off his prudent skills.

This time next year I could be out of a job, so I need to get our slick party fund machine well oiled and into gear, especially since donations from Getyuhandov Micash and Yousowme Sumdosh can no longer be extracted by normal means.

I know we've still got our hedge fund pals, but after that Volkswagen fiasco, even they might not be reliable. Who is there to rely on these days?

Which got me to thinking. After long deliberation and sleeples nights it hit me.You! The Great British Public.

With interest rates getting slashed, those of you still in a job can afford to thow away some of that hard-earned cash into my newly formed Slush Fund which has been marketed to reflect me and my policies....crushing, watered down and cold.

I know you would like more info on what we are actually going to do, but we need to get our gloopyslurp machine fully operational before we can start outputting more slush.

But believe me when I say that our slush will ensure that Britain stands tall, proud and sticky in the face of our our future challenges.

My Credit Card Ate Me

So credit card companies are raising their rates of interest while the economy goes into freefall? Should I be surprised? Don't think so.

They argue that there is an increase in repayment defaulting, so all those who do keep up their repayments are effectively being made to make up the balance. Nice one. This must be one of those Business School of Ethics clauses: "Shaft thy custom till thou crippled and bleed thee dry through courts of law".

Credit Card companies have followed the same gameplan as the banks. Saturate the maket with offers and huge credit extensions and when people have wracked up uncontrolable debt, complain that your not getting the money repaid. Duh!

Maybe if they were more financially astute at setting limits on accounts in the first place they wouldn't be spreading the debt to the rest of their customers. How many of those companies are affiliated to the same banks which are getting bailed out? The government should be pressing the cc companies to reduce the rates relative to the BoE interest rate cuts just like the banks. Short term strategies to claw back as much as possible isn't going to reinvigorate the market. A large swathe of the population are going to be more reluctant to buy into the credit card philosophy unless those companies are capable of displaying a social economic market strategy.

Dikshit Is Criminal

Nuff said. If you're gonna break the law, be prepared to be called a dikshit.

Management Blues

So today we found out that the Transport Department is incompetent having cost us £87 million, 95,000 pensioners have been overpaid £126 million since 1978 and some geezer has defrauded the finance market of $50 billion.

For all that the politicians are whooping up about the incompetences of government this year, this isn't about politics but the inadequacies of managers around the world.

I checked Wikipedia for management:

Management in business and human organization activity is simply the act of getting people together to accomplish desired goals. Management comprises planning, organizing, staffing, leading or directing, and controlling an organization (a group of one or more people or entities) or effort for the purpose of accomplishing a goal. Resourcing encompasses the deployment and manipulation of human resources, financial resources, technological resources, and natural resources.

Managers are those who tell us what needs to be done. They want to ensure the objective is accomplished and the job has been completed to requirements. It is they who are the organisers.

These last twelve months have shown us that there are a lot of managers out there with the integrity of a turkey visiting a shooting gallery.

It seems to me that (UK) senior management in financial institutions and local/central government have cornered the market in stupidity. Where is the accountability? Who is responsible for ensuring the rules and regulations are adhered to?

Outwith management in the organisations who have been affected, the FSA and the National Auditors come to mind. What role do their managers play in these fiascos, afterall they exist to ensure the guidelines are followed?

Are their managers also accountable?

They may all say they are following their own respective guidelines but isn't that where the problem lies? They don't question the guidelines they follow. They tick the boxes and gather their wage at the end of the month. They accept the comforts that their positions afford and reap the benefits of responsibility but as soon as something goes wrong then it is the fault of someone else. They were only following the rules.

Politicians are a reactionary force. Only after the event do they respond. It is management who are there to deal with realtime events. It is they who should understand whether the activities that they are paid to organise are successful or not and if it doesn't work it is their responsibility to organise improvements.

In future maybe those managers who are so keen to tell us how it should be done properly can spend a bit more time ensuring that they are also doing their job properly and maybe we wont see so many news stories of financial incompetence as we have seen recently.

Remember: If it seems too good to be true. It is.

Primal Comedown

Monday and back to work (groan). Still getting over Saturday at SECC and the PS gig. Man that was sumthin. When we got back we chilled watchin The Dark Knight. Brilliant film. Me and Daedo drank till 7am. Still feelin bit rough (takes longer to recover as you get older). Checked the forum to see they are playing North America next year. Where's a sugar mom when you want one?

Still, next Monday sees the Rezillos coming to town. Yeeha!! Checked UTube for their new single, "No 1 Boy". Pretty decent track. Fay sounds incredibly like Debbie Harry.

You can get more info at www.rezillos.com but the site could do with being upgraded a bit. Kindae basic. I'd even do it. Maybe someone can tell them.

Primal Screamgasmic!

Wow! Mind-blowing or what?

Saturday 13th Dec at Glasgow SECC and the final night of their tour and this was just something special.

They played some of their stuff from their new album which sounded pretty neat but this gig was a trip and a half with lasers zapping above our heads and the huge background screen pumping out a crazed melee of images which perfectly reflected the rage of the music on stage.

But it was really when Swastika Eyes started that the place went into a frenzy. Wow! F%$@*

it was truly mind-blowin. Guitars screamin, drums thumpin and a hurricane of images and lights. It really was mental.

In the main, the crowd were up for it and able to take breathers inbetween some of the mellower tracks but it didn't take long for the pace to crank up again.

Bobby Gillespie seemed out of it for a while but as the gig progressed he seemed to respond a bit more to the crowd, but the guitar work was phenomenal. Just shows that a band isn't made up of the lead singer. These guys played their instruments like there was no tomorrow.

For the encore, Country Girl was given a real thrashin but it was the final track that was just wicked. It was Accelerator, I think, and it was sheer white noise as it peaked to a crescendo.

This definately ranked as one of the best gigs I'd seen and if you get the chance to see them do not miss the opportunity.

As for me, my mate Davey and my son? Well it took us a few hours to come back to earth and the ringing in our ears to stop.

If you've been living in a closet for the last 20 odd years, you can find out about them at http://www.primalscream.net/

I captured a bit on video with my camera. A bit shaky but it'll give you an idea. It's in mpeg-4.

More good images here at the PS Forum

Handy Developer Links

There never seems to be enough hours in the day but having to spend less time searching is a bonus if someone's already done the donkey work, so here are a few useful links for developers.


http://www.woopra.com/

Offers free and real-time web tracking services. Compatible with static and dynamic sites. It uses page tagging and the software reads the info. Once an account has been set up, you need to submits the sites you want to analyse. This can take a bit of time to be approved.


ASSP (open source anti-spam)

This is a fantastic open source anti-spam filter with a lot of clout. If you have your own server with smtp then this is perfect. Cross platform versions available.Stops all the crap being distributed. Be prepared to spend a little time setting up the configuration. Not the best of guides but definately worth completing the task of installing.


Content Management Systems

Django

Drupal

Typo3



url rewrite

There is a free version available which allows global rules for all your sites. The purchased version enables multiple rules for multiple sites. This can make your dynamic pages more search engine friendly, better for users to bookmark your pages and hides your file extension names.



Hope these are useful for someone.

All the best

Stephen