Heather Mills: Is Dullness Aging Her

It has been suggested that Heather Mills is aging at an increased rate relative to the dullness of her stories.

"It is possible that the more boring Heather Mills get, the older she is starting to appear." said social commentator Chance A Lott. "Name dropping, self-righteousness and narcissism can lead to a condition known as 'Preposterous Fatigue' where the body biologically reacts to exaggerated emotions."

"In my opinion, if people talked less crap and stopped boring the pants of us, they would probably look younger for longer. It's a bit like the Pinnochio Effect."

Heather is currently writing [yawn] a column for the New York Post about (surprise) her life [zzz].

Hilton Not Sniffing Around

It was reported that Paris Hilton wasn't sniffing around for any available Royal.

"I'm not that desperate!" she was heard to have said, but a whiff of testosterone wafted through the press conference and she bolted like a whippet on heat.

Labour Peers Pig It Out

It has been claimed that Labour Peers are spending a lot of their spare time "pigging it out" at secret farm locations where they can experience the act of "fleecing the market".

"Seems they are taking advantage of their position to graze in the trough of greed." said an insider.

Madonnastick and Ritchierich Stretch It Out

It is rumoured that Madonnastick and Ritchierich are stretching their alimony case to the limits to see who gets the biggest share of the kids.

"They're gonna look like chimps by the end of this." said an onlooker.

"This takes elasticity of demand to a whole new level." said Judge Mud.

A Right Royal Squat

It was discovered that many expensive homes in the UK are actually being squatted by people claiming to be "royal".

These scrounging squatters like to knock back the sherry and allow their dogs to run wild on the local estate.

When one family were confronted, the father shouted "I might not have been born in this bloody country, but I can sure park my arse wherever I want to."

One local resident said, "It is utterly disgusting the way they just get handouts and think they can move into any house that becomes available."

FSA Gonna Git Those Muthas

"Slugger" Turner announced he was finally going to get tough on banking.

With no admission that maybe this should have happened sooner, it was suggested that "We're gonna call on some of the boys to right a few wrongs, if you know what ah mean".

Banks are going to be required to be as accountable for their finances as they demand from their customers.

"The banking system is pretty quick to hammer their customers with charges for going over their limit even by a few pence. Well it's time they started following some of their own edicts."

It is rumoured that Alistair Darling has ordered a new set of baseball bats.

Bush Back In His Cage

On this eventful Presidential Inauguration Day, the departing George Bush was returned to his cage and bound for Texas.

"I guess that's one Pandora's Box that ain't gonna be opened for a while." said an onlooker.

A great sigh of relief was heard across Washington.

Obama Goes Where No Afro American Has Gone Before

Today, in his inauguration, Barack Obama stated his alleigance to the USS Enterprise to the joy of the US population.

With lots of whooping and yipee-i-ays, President Obama gave a sincere speech to bring all throughout the galaxy together as one.

Cameron Opens His Arms to Cuddly Ken

David Cameron welcomed Ken Clark with open arms as part of the new Conservative LoveFest for 2009.

"David drew Ken's name out of the hat and was completely over-the-moon. Like any partnership, they have their differences, but they can overcome these to become a real hit at LoveFest 09." said an insider, "We reckon they'll be a hit this summer!"

Tour dates will be announced later in the year.

Obama Shows No Signs Of Nerves

Today, Barack Obama presented himself to the U.S population as their new President and showed no signs of nervousness as he took to the podium to salute the awaiting crowd.

"Cool as a cucumber," said a spokesman, " and in total control of the situation."

Clog It To Me One More Time

It was revealed that Britney Spears is obsessed with Clogging and urgently needs a new Clog Manager to help her cope with her clogging needs.

"It's really important to her to know what types of clogs are around, because she definately feels a sense of purpose in getting up and clog dancing to her favourite beats." said a colleague " though why she needs someone from Harvard to manage her clogs is anyones guess."

Once around the Maypole anyone?

Suspicious Incident at 10 Downing Street

Two suspicious characters were caught on CCTV camera last night dragging a large bag into 10 Downing Street.

The images were too grainy to confidently identify the two men, but police said they were investigating the incident.

Vaudeville For Prince Charles

Rumours are abound that Prince Charles has decided to try his hand at Vaudeville.

"He has all the attributes for this style of entertainment." said a spokesman,"including a yearning for old-fashioned traditions and attitudes."

Suggestions that The Good Old Days is returned to the BBC have been denied.

Megan Wants Salman Rushdie's Chest

It was reported that Megan Fox wants Salman Rushdie's chest but it looks like she might already be halfway there.

Bracing the new "Buddha Tranny" look, Meg was spending the weekend at the beach tanning the parts others can't reach while contemplating her next big career move.

"Forget all this body surgery stuff, the real Megan is about to be let loose." said a friend.

Head for the hills everyone!

Jolly Folly For Judge

Yet another judge was found lacking the ability to hold her drink or give a Frenchie with any degree of panache.

"At least Old Judge Cunnilungus has got 6 months suspension to practice the black art of swigging back the ale." said a friend, "If she wants a reputation, she's gonna have to try harder."

A witness said "Nothing on two legs was safe. She was rampant."

Breastor Cunnilungus is thought to be building up a fake tan in preparation for returning from suspension.

Andreckhams II Reach For LALA Land

Pete and Jodan Andreckham II announced they were prepared to launch themselves into LALA Land.

Jodan said, "Pete spent the weekend building the rocket to take us over there. He's pretty handy that way."

Pete hoped to launch a karaoke training centre and Jodan was going to produce a set of body odours for the equestrian market.

"We thought, well no-one's done this before so let's go for it!" exclaimed Jodan.

"I just hope this thing takes my weight." said Pete before blast-off.

Kate Forgets Shopping List at Award Ceremony

Top screen actress Kate Winsalot celebrated winning two trophies. "These two globes are definitely better than one" she cheered as she displayed them over the podium.

In her excitement, Kate realised that she had left her shopping list at home. Tearful and with mascara running down her cheeks she told the applauding audience that she wasn't normally so forgetful and in future she would write it on her arm. "That way I wont feel a right arse the next time." she laughed.

Council Denies Housing Incompetence

Some councils have been exposed as incompetent in implementing the new "Housing Our Staff" programme where council staff are replacing current residents in council housing due to the rise in private housing costs.

One council admitted that they were struggling to purchase the necessary caravans to house those residents being evicted to make way for the council staff.

"There's been a big push to get the old and infirm into new settlements so our staff can move into the properties but we're up against the tinkers for every spare caravan available. Some of our residents will have to make do with tents in the short-term." said one spokesman.

My Fashion Not Embarrassing says Wee Booties

Singer "Wee Booties" admitted that she has done so many embarrassing things it is untrue, such as singing in the bath with the lights out.

One friend said, "It's her dress sense that is really embarrassing."

Her manager said she was practicing the art of disguise for when her predicted stardom materialised. "The media say she's gonna be a big star this year. Hopefully she'll soon be able to afford a fashion advisor because her choice of clothes leaves a lot to be desired."

Crusty Gets Credit for Car Crunch

Today, top footballer Crusty Rodildo crashed his Punto into the back of some parked cars in his local car park.

"I have a big car. A really BIG car, so I need big, sexy place to park my huge, ergonomic machine."

A spokesman said, "I think Crusty had other things on his mind when he was driving."

Rodildo added, "Do I look h-o-t in these shorts or what?"

Deepthroat Fry-Up Gets Presidents' Support

It was a rare occassion to see 3 previous Presidents, one current and the next President to venture out on a photo-shoot to promote "Cheeky Charlie's Chippie".

It has been a well kept secret that recent US Presidents have enjoyed a secret encounter at the US "traditional British" chipshop, but the cat is out the bag now.

Scoffing a full Haddock and chips, Bush Senior salivated that since leaving office it was one of the perks of the trade he had missed. "It don't matter how much gas it produces, Charlie's Chippie is a real Humvee in the world of chippies. God Bless my Fish and Chips."

Bush Junior professed to having a weakness for a bit of black pudding then announced that he hoped Obama would enjoy his stay at the White House.

"I'm looking forward to many trips to this special chippie and so are my family." said Obama, while Clinton admitted his old friend Monica had enjoyed a nibble on his chips on many occasions.

Jimmy Carter was happy just to have been let out the house.

Europe's Leaders Find Black Hole

Europe's leaders thought they had found the solution to the Middle East conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

Arriving at the Hadron Collider, the European leaders were in agreement that wearing metal colanders on their heads was about the most useful thing they had done, but the Hadron Collider may hold the solution.

"If this thing does what it says on the tin, then maybe there is some use for a man-made Black Hole. I mean it can't be worse that what's already there." said a spokesman.