Zimbabwe’s Vice-President Goes Spivvy

It was alleged that Joyce Mujuru, Zimbabwe’s Vice-President may be moving into a new career at selling gold on the black-market.

"It's possible she's been watching too many Arthur Daley episodes" said an insider " With her country in meltdown it would not be surprising for these people to try anything to generate cash for their own needs."

It was suggested that she was thinking of starting this career as a family business.

New Portrait of Thatcher Unvelied

A new portrait of ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is to be unveiled today in recognition of the positive impact she had on the UK.

Social division, unemployment, state sell-offs, riots, poll tax, destruction of manufacturing base, and war were some of the great achievements of her reign which those who decided on this fitting compliment may have based their decision on.

We salute the 'Grey Suits', for they are truly champions of the people.

Contemporary MEPs are a Fraud

It was claimed that the contemporary mep is a fraud, where they can claim up to £1 million on expenses and pensions.

"There are meps who use publicity and abuse the system for their own gains. That doesn't mean they are good.

Some within the EC bemoan the lack of quality in the work of some meps.

"There are quite a few whom we would call 'Conceptual Ministers' where they have an idea which sounds good in theory but is dire in practice." said an insider.

Spanky's Warhol-style Portraits Go On Sale

It has been alleged that six unoriginal portraits by the artist known as Spanky are to go on sale, looking a lot like work that was done decades ago by original artist, Andy Warhol.

"Are there actually any artists out there who have one iota of an original idea?" said a commentator.

Supposedly there are a raft of suckers out there waiting to snap up these works of art.

Stanford Is Found

It was alleged that FBI agents found Sir Allen Stanford hiding in his garden preparing for a long haul in 'survival mode'.

Supposedly a big fan of Rambo, Stanford had stockpiled enough food to last him 6 months.

"Unfortunately he forgot to bring a can opener which could have been tricky" said an insider.

Home Secretary Denies Camping Scam

It was suggested that Jacqui Smith had denied she was scamming the taxpayer for camping expenses in her sister's garden.

A neighbour alleged she was only camping once or twice a week but this was denied.

"I'm out here nearly every night of the week. Sometimes my family come down and we have a sing-song by the campfire."

The Fraudsters' Bible

Rumour has it that there is a book doing the rounds which influenced Standford and Madoff.
If anyone finds it can they let us know?

The Minimum Job

Yet again, workers' rights were abused as they were given one hours notice that they were out of a job.

Nowhere else in the west could a company get away with such a lack of care for their staff.

"Senior executives do tend to be members of the self-preservation society where the shareholder comes before staff." said an insider.

Failing British Politician Used TV Tips To Rob Citizens and Pay Debts

It is alleged that in the aftermath of the Credit Crunch, PM Gordon Brown found a quick solution for his failing economy: he started robbing from the taxpayer for failed banks.

And for months he got away with it foiling the media and the citizens with the techniques he learned from a notorious television series where the robber was known as El Solitario ("The Loner").

Only once it was realised that the banks had got greedy and were continuing to pay loads of bonuses for a demoralised and failed business and promoting an air of nepotism within the financial market and the governing authorities, while estranging itself from their customers
did the penny drop that the UK Government had absolutely no control over the Great Credit Robbery that had ensued.

"He had an ordinary life, with a stable family," said Roberto Morono, the police inspector who led the hunt. "He was in good shape but the banks screwed up and debts mounted. Without a doubt, he led a double life and probably not even his family knew about his financial activities."

Geert Outa Here

Geert Wilders was told to "sling 'is hook" and return to his homeland by the UK Government because of a documentary film supposedly espousing anti-muslim ideals.

Although quick to lambast the film and the views of Wilders, David Miliband admitted that he hadn't actually seen the film.

Taking on the role of censor, the UK Government obviously don't think the general public have the capacity to know a fascist when they see ( or hear) one although he'd already visited a few weeks before.

"Geert's views might be blinkered but I think we have the right to see someone make an arse of themselves." said our insider.

The Idea Snatcher

It was alleged that Facebook Mark Zuckerberg stole the idea for the site from former college room-mates while they were watching the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

It is thought his room-mates were so engrossed in singing along to the toe-tapping songs from the movie they didn't notice Mark hard at work building a site based on their ideas.

"Plagiarism isn't covered in the film but should have been." said an insider.

A Sorry Lot

Today the former banking bosses of RBS and HBOS were tested on their arithmetic abilities and problem-solving skills.

Unfortunately, since few of them actually had banking experience or qualifications, it all got a bit tricky.

Reportedly asked if they were sorry they couldn't count, they blamed their parents and the state of the education system.

"If I'd had my five-a-day I probably wouldn't have got in this mess." said one.

"They might have made some incredibly stupid mistakes but at least one of them is actually still being paid £60000 in consultancy fees." said one insider, "So who's the stupid ones?"

Subsequently there might be an enquiry as to why the Treasury Committee forgot how to ask hard questions.

The £40 Million Subprime Man

Jay "Jester" Levine was reported to be the latest in a line of high earning Financial wizards for RBS who was paid millions for his balancing skills.

Allegedly a Financial Wizard at the School Of Magical Numbers, Jay is reputedly an expert at juggling any old tosh that anyone will listen to at the right price.

Levine left RBS in December 2007 to start a trapeze act at Capmark Financial, who happened to sell sub-prime to RBS and specialise in commercial real estate.

This circus intends to go on and on and on.

British Bonkers Corporation

Rumour has it that Jeremy "Little Englander" Clarkson and Carol "Honky" Thatcher might be teaming up to start a new organisation called the British Bonkers Corporation, where outdated, xenephobic, bigoted ideals and philosophies can be aired amongst the ignorant classes of the UK.

Irrespective of whether your upbringing has been privileged or not, you can bond with other simple-minded folk who believe they are always right and stand head and shoulders above the rest of us.

Thus a high level of self importance is prerequisite.

Christian Bale Takes Wobbly

It was alleged that Christian Bale has a tendency to take highly charged tantrums.

"BUT I AM AN ACTOR AND I NEED TO BE FED PROPERLY TO FOCUS ON MY WORK!" he was reputed to have shouted at the dinnerlady when told there were no chips left.

Another insider said it was more like

"GET ME SOME F*CK*** CHIPS OR I'LL RUIN YOUR F****** CAREER YOU MOTHERF*****!"

We suggest you go to the Naughty Corner, Christian.

Iranian President Launches Monologue

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad launched one of his longest monologues today which tested the endurance of his supporters.

A lucky few managed to slip into the gents prior to his speech but unfortunately some were caught unaware and were forced to use extreme measures.

Supporters were supplied with protective headwear to counter the blast from the new Iranian satellite which the President was firing.

"Soon we will have more channels than those infidels in the west." he announced.

Snow Fun Sarah

All that snow seems to have got our Southern Softies all in a tizz. You'd think they'd never seen snow before.

Even Game For a Laugh DJ, Sarah Kennedy, found it all a bit too much when she informed her listeners that not only could she not get her car out of the garage, but she couldn't even get the electric gates opened.

Yeah it's a problem a lot of us have at this time of the year, Sarah.

Sucking You Dry

It was revealed today that a secret clan of entreprenuers are planning to suck the life out of their customers in the final act to ensure you no longer have any level of privacy.

Nicknamed "Draculadat" it will ensure that you can no longer socialise, communicate or interact online without revealing facets of your personality, interests, concerns, loves, relatioships, habits, illnesses and every other aspect of you as an individual.

Portrayed as entertainment, this medium will be used to saturate you with junk offers, product placements and any other means to dry every ounce of cash you have in your possession.

"You wont be able to sneeze without us knowing about it." said an insider.